


pride

by ollie_cannoli



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood Friends, Eren Yeager Has a Manbun, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Jean is an ass, Mmmmm, Useless Lesbians, but mmm mikasa, but obvi they don't have the trauma to go with the look so :) yeah, eventual smut??, fem reader - Freeform, god i love mikasa, i want her to obliterate me, mikasa is gay idc, mikasa is super sweet mmm, mikasa's hair is short and no i will not tolerate mankasa bullshit, putting this on hold for a bit bc im overwhelmed with schoolwork, reader and mikasa have to pretend to date, so basically eveyrbody looks the way they do in season 4, there are mentions of suicide and depression, who am i kidding i love everybody in this show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:20:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28968210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ollie_cannoli/pseuds/ollie_cannoli
Summary: jean kirstein was a proud person by nature, but he never acted like he was too good for you. that's why when he told you to basically fuck off and get out of his life, you were certain he was joking. the boy you had grown up with, the boy you were in love with, the boy you were sure you knew everything about, had turned into somebody you didn't even recognize.i've made the reader mid-sized or "thicc"  in this fic bc i never see midsize readers (no hate to other body sizes, i just want to see my body represented for once) AND the reader is bi bc mikasa is hot asf idc
Relationships: Jean Kirstein/Reader, Mikasa Ackerman/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	pride

**Author's Note:**

> warning: mentions of death, suicide, suicide attempts, depression, typos, bi reader bc mikasa is hot idc

warning: mentions of death, suicide, suicide attempts, depression, typos, bi reader bc mikasa is hot idc

~~~

as babies, your mothers often got together and spent time with each other for hours on end. it was only natural for you and jean to gravitate toward each other after a few minutes of being shy and clinging to your mother's leg. for him, he simply didn't trust other kids after other kids had pushed him at the playground. as for you, you didn't feel the need to make friends. you had your mother, what else could you possibly need? but as the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months, the both of you eventually realized you wouldn't be getting away from each other any time soon and began talking.

it was weird at first, but soon enough, the both of you were attached at the hip. on days when your mothers weren't getting together, you would ask to see jean and vice versa. your mothers simply shrugged it off and reminded the both of you that you would be seeing more of each other once you started school. and they were right, though, you and jean both cried when you found out you weren't in the same class... and then again when you realized you would have recess together. the both of you were so emotional that day, you'd both passed out the second you had returned to your homes. the weeks after were fine and so were the next few years. everything was fine up until you had reached the 6th grade. jean wasn't necessarily on the skinny side (and neither were you) and so he got teased quite a bit. you would often stand up to the bullies, but it didn't change much. he was still teased, and all you could do was argue with the bullies until the next day came around to repeat the cycle for what felt like forever.

when you had reached middle school, the both of you were starting up with the oh-so-lovely puberty, though it didn't do much to help you with your confidence. while jean had a massive growth spurt and lost weight, your body had grown only a few inches and your hips grew wider. your stomach was still soft to the touch, and so were your thighs. you envied jean for being so lucky that he could just lose his weight in what seemed like a single summer. he had no idea you felt this way, though, as you never opened up to him about it. you didn't want to trouble him with petty thoughts about your body you knew he would shoot down immediately. middle school sucked for you and was great for jean. his bullies had finally had it with jean and turned their attention to you. of course, jean didn't know. after years of spending time protecting him as best you could, you figured this was another way to protect him.

keeping you feelings and miserable experiences from him was the least you could do. maybe you should have told him when he asked about the numerous bruises and scars on your arms, but the tiny voice in your head reminded you that he had already gone through what you are going through and you wouldn't want to put him through it again. so you lied, saying you've become clumsy in the last few months and often bumped into hard objects. he didn't buy it at first, but didn't say much either. once sasha and connie had joined your small group of friends, it seemed like jeans concern for you was a distant memory, as he now hardly looked at you the way he used to, too busy with his new friends. you weren't mad, though. sasha and connie were great. they were funny and joke around a lot, sometimes you just felt too drained to be around their constant energy and opted to stay in the library. when jean asked if you were doing fine, you lied and said you had a few bad grades you wanted to bring up. he didn't ask again after that. after all, he knew the both of you would be seeing each other after school. except, he was wrong. the first time you were late, he tried calling you on your phone. when you didn't pick up, he assumed you were studying again and texted you to let you know he had gone home.

the next few times you were late after school, he grew concerned, but chose not to show it. he stopped asking questions and stopped inviting you over on days he knew you would be late, as you now had a bit of a schedule. it was harder and harder to cover the bruises, having to wear your uniform's sweater even in the summer, but jean never asked. after some time, he joined the soccer team, and he no longer had time for you after school. the only time you would see him would be during lunch, and even then you didn't say much, just sitting there and nodding or smiling along with the conversation. soon enough, you didn't see jean much at all, only talking to him in short texts, as it seemed he always had something more important to do.

entering high school, your bullies had moved on to other kids, finally giving you some peace, but it didn't stop the weird looks you would get when walking around, as if the soft jiggle in your thighs as you walked was abnormal. you had a few classes with jean, and eventually reconnected again. he still talked to sasha and connie, and quit soccer, saying it took time away from things more important to him, whatever that meant. things were finally as they should have been all this time. now that your bullies didn't bully you anymore, you had more life in you. you engaged in conversations with connie and sasha, strengthening your bond with them. jean had noticed the change in you, but didn't say anything until sophomore year. one late night at his house, the both of you were watching a movie, and you were laughing about something before he asked a serious question.

"what happened in middle school?" he asked, clearly concerned.

initially, you brushed off his question, saying you were dealing with family stuff and had a hard time focusing in class. he didn't buy it, and for the first time, asked again.

"what happened in middle school? you weren't yourself. now you are yourself again, but still... different. like something horrible happened and you can't recover from it." he said, turning his body to you, giving you his full attention.

you laughed, trying to make the whole situation less serious than it was. "well, when your bullies left you behind, they kind of started targeting me. it's not that big a deal, so stop asking. i'm fine."

at the mention of his past bullies, he visibly tensed. "why didn't you tell me? i could have helped." and suddenly everything made sense to him. the bruises, the fatigue, those days you were late to meet him after school. an unknown anger built up inside him.

"there was nothing to tell, jean. can we just drop it?" you asked, trying to hide the wavering sound in your voice as tears built up in your eyes. "i don't want to talk about it. it was a horrible time of my life that i don't want to go back to, okay?"

he huffed, "well, i DO want to talk about it. i want to know everything. we hardly talked. you said that was a horrible time in your life, right? i wasn't a part of it and i should have been. so, tell me!"

"jean, i hated myself okay?! and so did everybody else! you don't know what it's like to hate yourself so much, you wish you could just die. i didn't want to be alive, then. i don't want to be alive now! it's bad enough that it happened, but it's still happening. i get weird looks in the halls of school just because of the way my body looks, and i get weird looks when i go out to eat. i can't even wear what i want without being criticized. i'm too big to shop at stores with cute, small clothes, and i'm too small to shop in plus-sized stores, too." you sobbed.

when he didn't say anything, you decided to say one more thing. "and then it was like you just disappeared one day. the one reason i stayed, was for you. i told myself you would be hurt if i left, and when you disappeared, i wanted to, too. do you remember the week i was out of school?" he didn't say anything, but you continued. "i was out of school because i was in the hospital for trying to kill myself."

he finally said something, but it only made you mad. "you could have told me. we still texted..."

"oh, don't lie to yourself! we didn't text after the first semester of 7th grade. even if we did, what do you expect me to say? 'hey jean, sorry for not being at school, i kind of tried killing myself because i was being bullied'? it sounds even worse just saying it out loud." you spat. "i'm not the same person i was back then, and i don't want to be. i hope you like the person i've become, because there's no coming back from that."

he was silent for a minute, looking down at his lap. you decided you were done, and turned back to the tv. it was quiet for a few minutes until he finally said something.

"i'm sorry." he whispered. "i should have been there for you, and i wasn't. i don't want you to go through that again, though. i want you to stay. i want to help you learn how to love yourself, and i want to help you when it gets tough. i know i can't make up for what i didn't do then, but i want to change for you."

that was the end of the conversation, and the rest of the school year was bliss. finally, your best friend understood you again, and you didn't have to hide yourself from him. everything was perfect, until you met a sweet girl in your p.e. class. she ran the mile jog with you, even though she could obviously go faster. she talked to you and partnered up with you during the activities in that class, saying she could sense a sort of calmness that she needed to be around. eventually, you were close friends with her and you decided to introduce her to jean. what a mistake that was. he was instantly love struck, and nearly forgot about you entirely. mikasa ackerman, the object of jean's affection. you couldn't blame him. she was beautiful. skinny frame, gorgeous black hair and dark eyes. she was perfect. the only reason jean continued to talk to you despite his new obsession with your friend, was actually because he wanted to talk about mikasa. he confessed to her many times throughout junior year, hoping she would return his affections eventually, but she never did.

on the first day of senior year, he said it would be his last try at capturing her heart, and when she turned him down again, he was broken. you were there to pick up the pieces of his broken heart and mend it, but he still showed no interest in you. he looked at you differently now, but you couldn't pinpoint what that look in his eyes was. it was vaguely similar to the look judgmental students would have for you, but something was off. his eyes no longer held that shine they used to when he would look up at you, now they were dull, and he looked slightly irritated.

you didn't bring it up to him, though, fearing the worst. for the remainder of your senior year in high school, jean only looked at you when he was certain it was absolutely necessary. he spoke to you, but never directly the way he used to. it was funny how he kept making promises he couldn't keep, because now more than ever, you hated yourself, wondering where you went wrong for your best friend to have hated you so much he couldn't even look at you.

when your senior year finally came to an end, he looked at you, but this time, he looked at you with hate. you recognized it instantly, but you wished you hadn't. not on jeans' face. but it was clear in his eyes. he pulled you aside, probably wanting to at least spare your dignity. and they say chivalry is dead. once the both of you were away from everybody, he turned to look at you with a serious look on his face.

"look, i'm going to make this quick because i don't even want to be here right now." ouch. "look, (y/n), i don't want to be friends with you anymore."

you stiffened at his words, but chose not to react in any other way.

"you're just so pathetic. so, you were bullied in middle school, whatever. i was bullied in elementary and i am just fine. i don't understand why you can't be like me and just move on. and don't give me this 'you don't understand how hard it was for me' bullshit. frankly, i don't give a damn." he said, turning away from you before his eyes flickered to your face. a smile rose to his face. not one of his kind smiles, it was that smile that he used to smile after he said something he knew would hurt somebody.

"i don't want to see you again, but i guess there isn't much i can do to help that, huh? seeing as how we're going to the same college... just don't talk to me ever again, alright? it's bad enough i had to see you to tell you this, but i didn't want to be the shitty person who does this over text." he pinched the bridge of his nose, as if upset by something.

you smiled, and a laugh almost escaped you. you would have been laughing if it wasn't for the look on his face when you smiled. it made you sick. "you're no better than me just because you have all your new friends, you know? you're just as pathetic as me and you know it. i never minded, though. if we were pathetic, at least we were pathetic together. i was always okay being at the bottom, because i at least had you with me. now i see clearly." you paused. "go on ahead and enjoy your life, jean. i don't need you anymore, and you clearly don't need me."

you smiled again as tears welled in your eyes, but you made no move to wipe them away. nodding your head slowly, you turned away from him and started walking away. there was nothing you could do to change how he felt about you, and there wasn't anything you were actually willing to do, either. after all this time, you had lost hope.

jean stood there, watching you as you walked away with a pained look on his face. you never looked back, though, so you didn't see it. once he was certain you couldn't see him if you decided to turn around, he fell to his knees with a sigh.

~~~

college was a lot easier than you had expected, considering all the time you spent preparing for it. the counselors back at high school were full of shit, telling you that you weren't prepared, not by a mile. what assholes. a little farther than one quarter in to the year, and you've managed to manage your time without any problems. it was thanks to a few new friends you'd made over the summer, though.

mikasa was sweet and had introduced you to her adoptive family and close friends, eren and armin. armin was always nice and spent a lot of time helping you to prepare when you opened up to him about what you were worried about. eren was kind and had the kind of energy that made you forget about everything that you were worried about. you couldn't seem to stop smiling around all three of them.

when armin asked you about jean, you didn't fail to notice the look on eren's face. armin had explained that he noticed you would usually hang around him, or at least you did throughout high school.

when you told them what had happened, armin frowned and apologized for asking, whereas eren said something about him being a stupid horse anyways and that you deserve better friends. armin then asked how you managed to stick around him for so long, and you had to think about that for quite some time before giving an honest answer.

"i'm not sure how i did it, but after the years of being with him, i guess i was blind to how horrible he really was to me... i mean, he'd make promises and break them, or at least forget about them, i dont know. after middle school, he changed so much." you sighed, before smiling. "but it doesn't matter, anyway. if he really hated me so much, then i shouldn't even be thinking about him. i have you guys now, and all three of you have treated me better within the last 5 months than jean has in the last 5 years."

armin smiled at that, and so did mikasa. eren, however, still looked angry as all hell. you didn't push it, though. mikasa smiled and finally spoke up, saying since it was a friday all of you should go out and have fun. eren agreed, and armin suggested going to an ice cream parlor nearby since it was beginning to get a little warm. once everybody had agreed, the four of you started walking to the parlor, laughing and joking the whole way.

like a gentleman, eren was the first to the door and allowed mikasa and you to enter before armin and himself. you thanked him in a posh accent, and he replied in the same voice. mikasa offered to order for all of you, but you chose to go with her while the boys picked out a table.

the both of you stood in line after the boys had told you what they wanted, making idle chitchat up until you were called forward by the employee. you walked up with mikasa, but hadn't looked up at the employee until you had the money in your hand. you always knew he would look stupid in certain uniforms, but this... this was priceless.

jean looked up from the cash register and when his eyes locked with yours, his eyes widened. "(y/n)?"

"what do you want?" you asked, annoyed, but you couldn't fight the smile rising to your face. he just looked so stupid in that uniform, you couldn't help it.

he couldn't seem to gather his thought, stumbling over his words. "i just- you- i didn't- i never expected to see you here."

"we enrolled for the same college together and you thought i wouldn't visit the businesses nearby? you're more dense than i thought." you rolled your eyes, beyond annoyed now. after all this time, he wants to act as if he didn't rip your heart out and step on it. like the both of you were still great pals.

"what are you doing with mikasa?" he asked, his tone changing.

at this, she finally spoke up, having enough of his bullshit. "what's it to you if i'm out with my girlfriend?"

"girlfriend?" he asked. his eyes flicked in your direction, startling you.

she nudged you in the side with her elbow, a sign to play along. your face burned in embarrassment. "oh- right. we started dating over last summer."

her arm slipped around your waist and you stiffened, suddenly nervous. your heart hammered away in your chest and you feared mikasa would be able to hear it.

jean mumbled something under his breath. "anyway, what can i get you?"

"four vanilla cones, please." she said, trying to be polite.

he nodded his head and said he'd call you up when your order was ready. mikasa smiled and thanked him before leading you away, her arm still around your waist.

"i'm sorry for that, mikasa. you shouldn't have had to do that." you sighed.

she smiled before pulling you closer in to her side. "i don't mind. he's an ass, and seeing his face when i told him i was dating his ex-best friend was priceless." she giggled. 

you smiled, too, unable to keep it down with your nerves acting up. "yeah, it was pretty funny."

in a flash, her smile changed, taking a more mischievous form. "besides, you look cute when you're all nervous like that." and she gave your soft hip a quick squeeze before stepping away and taking a seat at the table eren and armin were sitting at.

as if you weren't already burning, you swore your face got even more hot. did she really just say that? what did she mean by it? she doesn't actually like you, does she? she's a girl. she's never shown an interest in girls. with all these questions swimming in your head, you didn't notice that mikasa was sitting across from armin and eren... leaving the only spot directly next to her. 

'oh god, oh god, oh god oh god oh god- now i have to sit next to her?!' you screamed mentally.

she turned to you with a smile and pat the seat of the chair beside her. armin eyed you curiously, picking up on your behavior almost instantly. eren was more oblivious, obviously. as you sat, nervously sitting straight, armin spoke up. 

"did you guys see who's working here? i'm sorry if my idea of a fun outing has dampened your mood, (y/n)." he smiled apologetically.

you shook your hands out in front of you, as if shaking away his apology. "oh, no. it's fine. he wasn't as bad as i expected anyway. but there is one issue, now..."

eren perked up, almost hoping for an excuse to beat the living shit out of jean. he never got along with him, and he wasn't hoping to change that any time soon, especially after hearing what had happened between the two of you.

"i told him we're dating." mikasa said, blunt as ever.

armin's brows furrowed. "why would you do that?"

"well, jean started asking questions, y'know, and- well, how do i tell him after he told me to fuck off, i spent more time with the girl he's practically in love with without making it weird? i'm not sure us dating is any better, but it at least needs a shorter explanation than us being friends." you rambled, stumbling over a few words as you went.

armins face twisted into a look you didn't recognize. "ohhh, i get it now."

"get what?" eren asked.

armin smiled. "i'll tell you later."

you shared a look with mikasa, knowing that couldn't mean anything good.

before you could say anything, jeans voice called your names and you sighed, standing with mikasa to go and grab your cones. she stayed close, probably trying to keep up the act while you're at least around jean. at the counter, jean handed the two of you the cones you ordered, and you dropped a tip on the counter before walking away with mikasa.

"did i give him too much? i couldn't see what i gave him." you mumbled.

"you gave him a ten."

"what?! fuck." you sighed. "well, i'm never getting that back."

she smiled and laughed quietly at your misery. once you reached the table, you handed armin and eren the cones in your hands and mikasa gave you the one in her right hand. you thanked her quietly as your face burned once again. armin watched the interaction closely, trying to pick up on every last detail for later.

"so, what are you going to do about you dating now that jean knows? you can't just put up an act every time he comes around, because we'll never know when that can be." eren asked as he bit the top of the cone. the act alone sent shivers down your spine. he really is a weirdo.

armin nodded his head. "yeah, now that he 'knows', he might go telling all his friends. the both of you dating could become common knowledge across the whole campus for all we know."

you frowned, his words sinking in. he was right. your relationship with mikasa might have to change drastically in these next few days.


End file.
